𝗠𝘆 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝗶𝗻𝗻𝗼𝗰𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗹𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗱 in 𝗶𝗴𝗻𝗼𝗿𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲. 👩👦
Not knowing my father.
Not knowing my future.
Yet I always knew my mother’s love.
I saw with my heart, felt with my eyes, and sensed reality through my nose.
I didn’t know anything about chronic stress or have many thoughts about what I should be or shouldn’t be.
Yet I could sense something just wasn’t right.
My little nose could smell my mom’s musty emotional burden when it nuzzled up against the shoulder pads of her polyester business suit.
She would cook me amazing baked ziti and lasagna, all from scratch herself.
She helped me with my homework.
She taught me how to speak Ukrainian.
She taught me how to be kind yet give a firm handshake.
She taught me to respect my elders yet remember that all respect is mutual.
However, after dinner was made, and the lessons were taught, she would go.
Back to the work of finding a good man.
Back to the society that I didn’t know anything about, but felt all the time through her stress.
I would come home some days from the school bus to an empty house because my mom was still working.
I’d watch scary movies alone, and eat as much chocolate as my undisciplined 7 year old self would permit.
As much as I felt abandoned at times, 𝗺𝘆 𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿'𝘀 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁 never left me.
Even at my age, I knew she was also just a woman feeling alone and afraid in the wide world.
Not one of us can bear madness alone.
I would take a devoted single mother any day over a whole village of emotionally absent parents.
Why?
Because only a whole woman or man can make a whole heart.
My mother gave me that heart – the heart that allowed me to surmount the blackest of obstacles in the years to come.
The black of finally knowing what society and the broken hearts of men were capable of destroying…
The relationship we have with our Self.
We’re often taught that we shouldn’t be selfish.
Yet that’s only because the Self is misunderstood, and often confused with our ego, or the little “s”elfish needs we require.
Although its demands are sometimes petty, the ego still resides in the Self, and is necessary for us to function and survive on a daily basis.
However the Self is much more expansive, and limitless in its love, than our ego.
Our Self is our soul.
You are more powerful than you know.
Roman & Bohdanna
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Thanks for sharing that essay of your mom, my own mom did a similar sort of thing, she never lapsed into shutting the door to me, even as it shortened her life as she burned the candle both ends sometimes and was also the breadwinner for the most part. My Dad where there, provided structure, but left the emotional care of the kids to the 'woman' like many of his generation, born in the 1920's. I saw my (decade older than me) 2 brothers become more involved in their kids lives to some extents, as the times had changed and they saw their roles as Dads in a different way, more a shared partnership than my folks had.
Allowing myself the time to truly know what I wanted allowed me to help others find what they wanted as well.